Friday, March 6, 2009

Off to a good start...

This feels silly, but I am trying.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the gaps between my ideals and actions. I lack confidence and assertiveness in almost every aspect of my life. Although I am unsure (see?) if this is directly correlated to feminism, my fear that it is makes me know that I have to change. Regardless of my sex or gender, it is important to me to be a more confident person, so I am about to embark on such a journey.

I am going to try to do things to improve my confidence. I am completely willing to accept suggestions as to how to do this, but here is what I am thinking for now:

- I want to play music more confidently. If this means writing songs by myself so that I am forced to make decisions, then so be it. Really though, I think I just need to take a more active role in playing music with other people. Trying to sing has been helpful too. Baby steps, ya know?

- I have been thinking about activism a lot more lately also. Apparently it is women's history month, so I want to do something with that. (A presentation of sorts?) I want to talk to people about climate change and peak oil, but I don't want to only talk. I want to host discussions or come up with direct actions that can be done. If anyone is up for any of this, let me know. Two (or ten) heads are better than one!

- I absolutely need to stop qualifying things I say. I need to stop making excuses and embrace my thoughts and opinions and not hide behind things like "well, I don't know if this is true" or "This isn't necessarily the best idea but...". If you see or hear me say these types of things. Call me out, please.

Oh, and the US census hired me. So now I have a job and will actually make decent money. This may seem silly but I think it is really going to help me feel better about my life and responsibility for it.

Oliver used to accuse me of not knowing what I wanted out of life. I think he thought I was terrible at making any sort of decision and sticking with it. Maybe he is right to some extent, but I want to change that. I do know what I want from life, and I am trying to get it. This does not just mean having a farm and living sustainably, but being proud of myself for the person I am and the impact I have on others.

I wanted to make this blog so that I would focus on this whole confidence thing. I am going to try to keep track of what I am actually doing so that I have some place to answer to. Makes enough sense, right?

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