The harder I try to be confident, the harder it is.
I gave a little lecture to friends of mine about motherhood in the New Deal and how it relates to current affairs. I didnt do the best job, but I did it. It felt good to follow through, but made me super self conscious. I guess just having done it is good enough.

Things have been good though. I am working for the census and am pretty excited about it. I am going to make a lot of money. Then I am going to buy a wheatgrass juicer.

If Simon gets me his number, I am actually going to call a boy that I don't know and invite him over to our house. This is huge for me, but it is more about reaching out than it is romance.

This past week has been a super intense rollercoaster ride. That said, I know why people like those damn things.
Klessa recorded 7 songs at Matt Gordon's parents house monday-thursday. I am super pumped about how they turned out (or are going to), though I was often far too moody for my own good. There were a couple times where I could not adequately do what I know I am capable of, so it blew any confidence I had out the window. Anyway, at the time it felt like everything I have been focusing on lately was useless, and it made trying to be assertive and confident that much harder.
We played a show last night with Matt Hall, Chris, and Meredith and it was fucking incredible. Seeing all of them play filled my heart up to the brim with happiness. Klessa played really well, probably the best we ever have in New Paltz. Several people came that I did not know. Afterwards some people stuck around and we played village. Overall, an excellent evening that forced me to be friendly and interact with new people. The point of all of this is that I felt really good being able to show people a good time in this town (which is absolute magic by the way) and I didn't feel like an awkward mess the entire time.

Today we did tons of yard work type things. We planned pathways for the garden and built a compost bin. It was frustrating for me because there were times where I was not able to do the things I wanted (ie: hammer nails effectively and efficiently) but I believe that I helped and it is better off because of my input.

I feel really good about things. It is officially spring and that is nothing but good. I am going to stay positive, smile at people because I mean it, and try to be as accomodating and helpful as I can whenever possible.

I am fucking pumped for gardening.

kate and i finally installed a toilet paper holder in our wall of the bathroom. no more placing toilet paper on the back of the seat or any of that garbage. it always feels really nice to do home improvement projects and to prove the capacity to do so (at least eventually..).

klessa recording starts tomorrow. we are going to matt gordon's house to do it and it will be nice to be away and have to space and time to concentrate on it. i have not been so excited about something in a long time. we have been a band for far too long to not have any real recordings. in a week, that will all be different.

i went to simon's permaculture class last night to hear ken greene talk about seed saving and the seed library. it made me feel super pumped about him and want to get to know him and the folks he is working with.
this leads to another topic.
wanting to connect with more people.
i finally figured out that it is not more friends i am looking for, but more connections with the people around me. i want to be able to learn things from others, have things to offer them in return, and really be part of a community. this obviously poses a problem because i struggle to make eye contact with people and stare at the ground when i walk around town, but i want to try harder. people around me are really good at this. i think it will just take a little concious effort. perhaps reaching out to ken will help me kick start this.

there are so many things i want to change about how i am. its hard to keep them all in check all the time and to follow through. being aware of the problems is not enough. actionactionaction.

ironically this is how i feel both about the world and myself, and i fall short in taking action on both.

on a totally different topic, dasha and claire danes were 80 miles away from me today and i did not see them. getting to nyc is way too GD expensive. i kind of hate myself for not going, even though i know it was the responsible thing to do.

Just when you feel good about things menstruation can come along and make you feel like bologna.

I bought a bike yesterday. It is beautiful. I want the road to be dry so I can ride it and get used to it.

Its been gloomy for days. It has made my head hurt and prevented me from being productive. I keep saying I will do things but I lack any motivation.

here's to tomorrow.

progress.

I am now aware of every disclaimer that comes out of my mouth, but sometimes I cannot control it. This is the first step though, so I feel a little okay about it.

Pat offered to let me use his loop pedal to try and write clarinet music. I am definitely going to take him up on this even though the idea makes me nervous. Besides the fact that I think it will be good for me, I would fucking love to hear someone write songs based almost entirely on clarinet. Maybe I will do this today.

I didn't do anything for international women's day. I still want to discuss food shortages/future food issues and how they affect women. I am going to look into it a lot more and hopefully figure out enough stuff to share with people.

I need to start working on my thesis again. I completely dropped the ball, but it has a lot of potential. It is so much harder for me to research information about the current situation than it is about the past. I don't know why this is, but I need to figure it out.

I feel pretty good lately. Our house is super clean, and it makes me actually want to do things in it. I made the record player in the living room work yesterday, which only means incredible things. I have not recieved my food stamp money yet, and I need to figure that shit out ASAP. Hopefully calling them does the trick.

its dreary out and I am totally siked about it.

Off to a good start...

This feels silly, but I am trying.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the gaps between my ideals and actions. I lack confidence and assertiveness in almost every aspect of my life. Although I am unsure (see?) if this is directly correlated to feminism, my fear that it is makes me know that I have to change. Regardless of my sex or gender, it is important to me to be a more confident person, so I am about to embark on such a journey.

I am going to try to do things to improve my confidence. I am completely willing to accept suggestions as to how to do this, but here is what I am thinking for now:

- I want to play music more confidently. If this means writing songs by myself so that I am forced to make decisions, then so be it. Really though, I think I just need to take a more active role in playing music with other people. Trying to sing has been helpful too. Baby steps, ya know?

- I have been thinking about activism a lot more lately also. Apparently it is women's history month, so I want to do something with that. (A presentation of sorts?) I want to talk to people about climate change and peak oil, but I don't want to only talk. I want to host discussions or come up with direct actions that can be done. If anyone is up for any of this, let me know. Two (or ten) heads are better than one!

- I absolutely need to stop qualifying things I say. I need to stop making excuses and embrace my thoughts and opinions and not hide behind things like "well, I don't know if this is true" or "This isn't necessarily the best idea but...". If you see or hear me say these types of things. Call me out, please.

Oh, and the US census hired me. So now I have a job and will actually make decent money. This may seem silly but I think it is really going to help me feel better about my life and responsibility for it.

Oliver used to accuse me of not knowing what I wanted out of life. I think he thought I was terrible at making any sort of decision and sticking with it. Maybe he is right to some extent, but I want to change that. I do know what I want from life, and I am trying to get it. This does not just mean having a farm and living sustainably, but being proud of myself for the person I am and the impact I have on others.

I wanted to make this blog so that I would focus on this whole confidence thing. I am going to try to keep track of what I am actually doing so that I have some place to answer to. Makes enough sense, right?