struggling.

i want to write about how i realized that i am completely scared of being in a relationship with someone that i have to look at every day. no matter how i look at it, it constantly seems like i am better off without it. and perhaps this will always be some kind of curse for me, and is the reason why i am always developing crushes on people who i will never be in a relationship with because i simply cant for one reason or another. i write about these things too much, so i will stop there.


i officiallyofficiallyofficially do not work for the united states government anymore.
it feels good.

i am getting over some things.
that feels good too.

i applied for a job at the senate house and i really hope i get it.
i know its probably false hope, but i think i have an alright chance?
my eighth great grandfather built the dang place!

there are a lot of things coming up for me to be excited about. still, something feels like it is missing. i just dont know what it is. i hope i find it soon.

xo

this whole working on my confidence thing is funny because it is a total bust. (i'm a joke)
i am pretty convinced if i had any amount of it saying simple things would be significantly easier.
lets get real here.. I AM AWESOME. right? consequence-smonsequence. i need to get over myself.

lately i cant make it through a day without being tired or wanting to nap. not working for the government has been great but i am already reminded far too much of what unemployment is like and spend all day thinking of what i could/should be doing. (always cleaning, this cant stay this way.)

its hot out. i should try to go swimming today but i know i wont.
i went to the mountains alone last night and laid on the hood of my car telling myself that spilling my guts is easy. it was super clear and wonderful and i listened to the get up kids really loud during the drive. maybe i need to do that again tonight.

tomorrow we are planting everything that we have not planted yet. i am really excited about this. gardening is one of the things i feel best about lately. it seems this is all i ever say.

i cannot get myself to do certain things and it always ends up driving me crazy.
i dont understand the line between being selfish and doing what is healthy for yourself.
someone please explain this to me.

I need to start listening to my body.
I have felt like shit for at least the past week. Its near impossible for me to get up in the mornings and my head constantly hurts. I am going to eat only raw foods for at least a few days to try and fix this.It might morph into a juice fast, we'll see.
At the same time, I need to stop thinking so much and let things be however they are going to be. Either I take some form of action in life, or I trust things to turn out naturally. Either way, I need to make a decision regarding it. Action seems to make infinite amounts more sense, but it is undoubtedly the scarier option.

I need to start feeling motivated. I want, rather need, to borrow pat's loop pedal and try to write some fucking clarinet parts/songs. I will give myself the summer to do this and if I can't pull a single one off I will have to start hating myself. This seems like good motivation.

Summer being here is going to be really good for me. For everyone. I want to ride my bike everywhere, go swimming, hiking, stare at stars in the mountains, and never even think about wearing long pants.
Our garden is looking outrageously nice. It feels like we will be eating food from it any day now (maybe any week now..), and that feels fucking wonderful.