i am moving to rochester. i will be living there in march.
this idea scares me beyond belief but it will be okay, right?
thinking about goodbyes makes me feel ill.
thinking about seeing my parents every day for awhile makes me feel good.
thinking about spending real time with nick feels unreasonably great.
i feel a little guilty about it even.
for the first time in my life i am going to attempt a real, normal relationship where i get to see the person on a [quite possibly] daily basis. i cant tell you what a weird feeling that is...
and yet i am still scared and unsure how i will be able to physically move my flesh/bones/blood away from new paltz. it may be humanly impossible. we'll see.

kate and i went running today. i want to keep doing that. it felt unbelievably good. i am super out of shape and dont want to feel bad about that anymore. i dont care about my weight but i do care about my heart.

nyc tomorrow. ucb. vegan food. bon. i think it will be good for me.
(note: yes. i think nyc will be good for me for once. am i ok?)

i really couldnt ask for things to be better.

only sometimes certain things are too hard and it makes me want to puke. (physically, not just hypothetically.)

ever feel like you just dont have control over your own life anymore? or maybe its just that i have so much control that i dont know what to do with it?

i never imagined that i would feel quite so terrible leaving my cat virtually alone for two weeks.

tour starts today (yesterday?)

klessa cds are in full swing, in peoples' hands, cd players, what have you, and hopefully no one is disappointed. its too late to do anything about it.

but this thing about toey. it kind of makes me want to cry. i love her too much.

1. stay true paltz was a week ago. it went insanely well. what more could a girl ask for?
2. crocheting myself a sweater with no pattern. stoked and scared.
3. nick will be here for a week soon. only stoked.
4. fall is happening soon. also stoked
5. reading so much lately rules.
6. soon to be a lot of star trek-tng movie/episode watching.
7. finishing the klessa album.
8. starting to plan a tour.

too many great things as of late.

I have been sneezing pretty much non stop for a month and am finally at my breaking point.
I dont know what to do though!
My whole face itches so bad and I have been waking myself up at night scratching my throat with "the noise". I have been doing it so much that my throat feels raw. great.
Also, I woke up with bags under my eyes this morning.

I am only working four days this week instead of seven and I am hoping that will help.

Stay True (trios!) Paltz is on Saturday and I am a worry-wart about it but I think it will be fun. Mostly, I am just excited to get to hang out with people I dont normally see. It may help me from losing my cool.
...we'll see.


Maybe I am allergic to myself? This could explain things?
If anyone has any ideas let me know. The important part of this whole thing is that I have had these sneeze allergies not only in new paltz, but ohio and rochester as well, so its hard for me to understand what the fuck is up.

i have been in rochester for roughly two weeks.
it is really strange but i am and have been quite comfortable here.
i am excited to get back to new paltz though. i am super pumped about working a ton, planning the rest of stay true paltz, and trying to do things that seem like they are worth the time it takes to do them.
mostly i miss all of the hugs.

i just finished reading the secret life of bees, which only took me two days, a wonderful porch, and the great lake ontario. i dont know if i should or not, but i absolutely loved that book.

i think about land too much, wanting to have it, and a house to call my own (not my own per say, but a permanent residence i can share with people i love!). this might make me some kind of schmuck, but this is the only thing in my life thus far that has motivated me to actually want to make real money. i dont know. its really a shame i am not qualified to do anything where i can earn a real income.

i am leaving soon. i should pack.

i am starting to believe i grind my teeth at night.
either that or i just keep them constantly clenched.
i have done this in the past when i have been really stressed out, but i dont feel like i am right now?
maybe a little, but nothing that warrants this type of unconscious behavior.

the last thing i did before i went to sleep last night, and the first thing i did this morning when i woke up (or rather, woke up to do it..) was clean up cat puke.
my brain hurts from the dream i had last night. i wish i could just sleep all day as a result, but i am almost too afraid to.

next week i am going on tour with dasha. i am super pumped about it and only slightly hesitant. someday, somewhere along the line i need a week long vacation of no fun and complete loneliness. it will be the only way to adjust to normal life. (still, constantly asking myself what normal means, since it clearly does not exist the way i would have previously described it)

still, i want my cottage. with a book, no internet, endless amounts of sleep, and 'tea time' every day.