i really couldnt ask for things to be better.

only sometimes certain things are too hard and it makes me want to puke. (physically, not just hypothetically.)

ever feel like you just dont have control over your own life anymore? or maybe its just that i have so much control that i dont know what to do with it?

i never imagined that i would feel quite so terrible leaving my cat virtually alone for two weeks.

tour starts today (yesterday?)

klessa cds are in full swing, in peoples' hands, cd players, what have you, and hopefully no one is disappointed. its too late to do anything about it.

but this thing about toey. it kind of makes me want to cry. i love her too much.

1. stay true paltz was a week ago. it went insanely well. what more could a girl ask for?
2. crocheting myself a sweater with no pattern. stoked and scared.
3. nick will be here for a week soon. only stoked.
4. fall is happening soon. also stoked
5. reading so much lately rules.
6. soon to be a lot of star trek-tng movie/episode watching.
7. finishing the klessa album.
8. starting to plan a tour.

too many great things as of late.

I have been sneezing pretty much non stop for a month and am finally at my breaking point.
I dont know what to do though!
My whole face itches so bad and I have been waking myself up at night scratching my throat with "the noise". I have been doing it so much that my throat feels raw. great.
Also, I woke up with bags under my eyes this morning.

I am only working four days this week instead of seven and I am hoping that will help.

Stay True (trios!) Paltz is on Saturday and I am a worry-wart about it but I think it will be fun. Mostly, I am just excited to get to hang out with people I dont normally see. It may help me from losing my cool.
...we'll see.


Maybe I am allergic to myself? This could explain things?
If anyone has any ideas let me know. The important part of this whole thing is that I have had these sneeze allergies not only in new paltz, but ohio and rochester as well, so its hard for me to understand what the fuck is up.

i have been in rochester for roughly two weeks.
it is really strange but i am and have been quite comfortable here.
i am excited to get back to new paltz though. i am super pumped about working a ton, planning the rest of stay true paltz, and trying to do things that seem like they are worth the time it takes to do them.
mostly i miss all of the hugs.

i just finished reading the secret life of bees, which only took me two days, a wonderful porch, and the great lake ontario. i dont know if i should or not, but i absolutely loved that book.

i think about land too much, wanting to have it, and a house to call my own (not my own per say, but a permanent residence i can share with people i love!). this might make me some kind of schmuck, but this is the only thing in my life thus far that has motivated me to actually want to make real money. i dont know. its really a shame i am not qualified to do anything where i can earn a real income.

i am leaving soon. i should pack.

i am starting to believe i grind my teeth at night.
either that or i just keep them constantly clenched.
i have done this in the past when i have been really stressed out, but i dont feel like i am right now?
maybe a little, but nothing that warrants this type of unconscious behavior.

the last thing i did before i went to sleep last night, and the first thing i did this morning when i woke up (or rather, woke up to do it..) was clean up cat puke.
my brain hurts from the dream i had last night. i wish i could just sleep all day as a result, but i am almost too afraid to.

next week i am going on tour with dasha. i am super pumped about it and only slightly hesitant. someday, somewhere along the line i need a week long vacation of no fun and complete loneliness. it will be the only way to adjust to normal life. (still, constantly asking myself what normal means, since it clearly does not exist the way i would have previously described it)

still, i want my cottage. with a book, no internet, endless amounts of sleep, and 'tea time' every day.

i just woke up from a dream and now i feel so lost.

lists of late

-i have been feeling really sad for other people lately.
-i cant get enough of space (the final frontier kind).
-i am going to be spending a few days in rochester early next week and am excited about that.
-i want to watch every humphrey bogart movie in existence, but probably wont even get close.
-i often feel like i am living some kind of dream that i dont know how to interpret.
-i think about money too much.
-i dont want to be drinking as much.
-i want to be swimming more.
-i never want to set up another show, ever again (but i will)
-i want to own land, and a house, and as little stuff i dont need as possible.
-i really want to hug certain people.
-i need to write marena a letter.
-and i need to not be inside right now.

a haiku or two,three...

i dont know how to
handle this budding romance.
what am i doing?


(this may come off wrong
i mean it in a good way
i am just so scared)

((i dont remember
what its like to feel this way
you understand, right?))

---
i am being too dramatic.

i wish i could articulate the way those canadian folks make me feel.

I have made it almost a week with no emotional melt/breakdowns. This is a good thing.

I am going to Toronto for the weekend, to play with Jordaan and folks for the "Divorce Lawyers I Shaved My Head" album release. I am super excited about seeing all those kids as well as playing music with them and getting that feeling of excitement that it seems I rarely get these days.

I am going to spend the following week in Rochester. Hopefully I will watch copious amounts of Twin Peaks, give more hugs than I know how, and read.read.read.read.

Things are looking up!

struggling.

i want to write about how i realized that i am completely scared of being in a relationship with someone that i have to look at every day. no matter how i look at it, it constantly seems like i am better off without it. and perhaps this will always be some kind of curse for me, and is the reason why i am always developing crushes on people who i will never be in a relationship with because i simply cant for one reason or another. i write about these things too much, so i will stop there.


i officiallyofficiallyofficially do not work for the united states government anymore.
it feels good.

i am getting over some things.
that feels good too.

i applied for a job at the senate house and i really hope i get it.
i know its probably false hope, but i think i have an alright chance?
my eighth great grandfather built the dang place!

there are a lot of things coming up for me to be excited about. still, something feels like it is missing. i just dont know what it is. i hope i find it soon.

xo

this whole working on my confidence thing is funny because it is a total bust. (i'm a joke)
i am pretty convinced if i had any amount of it saying simple things would be significantly easier.
lets get real here.. I AM AWESOME. right? consequence-smonsequence. i need to get over myself.

lately i cant make it through a day without being tired or wanting to nap. not working for the government has been great but i am already reminded far too much of what unemployment is like and spend all day thinking of what i could/should be doing. (always cleaning, this cant stay this way.)

its hot out. i should try to go swimming today but i know i wont.
i went to the mountains alone last night and laid on the hood of my car telling myself that spilling my guts is easy. it was super clear and wonderful and i listened to the get up kids really loud during the drive. maybe i need to do that again tonight.

tomorrow we are planting everything that we have not planted yet. i am really excited about this. gardening is one of the things i feel best about lately. it seems this is all i ever say.

i cannot get myself to do certain things and it always ends up driving me crazy.
i dont understand the line between being selfish and doing what is healthy for yourself.
someone please explain this to me.

I need to start listening to my body.
I have felt like shit for at least the past week. Its near impossible for me to get up in the mornings and my head constantly hurts. I am going to eat only raw foods for at least a few days to try and fix this.It might morph into a juice fast, we'll see.
At the same time, I need to stop thinking so much and let things be however they are going to be. Either I take some form of action in life, or I trust things to turn out naturally. Either way, I need to make a decision regarding it. Action seems to make infinite amounts more sense, but it is undoubtedly the scarier option.

I need to start feeling motivated. I want, rather need, to borrow pat's loop pedal and try to write some fucking clarinet parts/songs. I will give myself the summer to do this and if I can't pull a single one off I will have to start hating myself. This seems like good motivation.

Summer being here is going to be really good for me. For everyone. I want to ride my bike everywhere, go swimming, hiking, stare at stars in the mountains, and never even think about wearing long pants.
Our garden is looking outrageously nice. It feels like we will be eating food from it any day now (maybe any week now..), and that feels fucking wonderful.

the past 3 days have been incredible.
i live in a goddamn beautiful place with wonderful people.
i want to share it with everyone.

I had a nightmare last night that I watched a good (dream) friend of mine get raped. I was in the bed next to her, holding her hand while it happened.
It ruined my whole day. My head. Everything.

Lots of garden things have been happening. It is exhilarating to watch things grow, to watch spring happen.

I have been peeing in a bucket of sawdust for almost a week now, and it feels absolutely wonderful.
Courage feels that way too.
Being slightly aggressive, or maybe just assertive does too.
And so does being there for people you don't really know when they might need it.

I just missed Kate fall off the swing. So.. no more swing for now.

These steps I am trying to take dont always feel good.
I have too much of that attitude lately but its hard to avoid.

Matt Gordon just made a swing for the tree out front and I am watching Kate swing on it.
That feels good.
And so does this weather.
And the Beatles.


I got paid today, so soon I will be sipping on the finest whiskey the Husdon Valley has to offer.
and
I am going to start applying for museum/historical society jobs. I feel really inspired.

The harder I try to be confident, the harder it is.
I gave a little lecture to friends of mine about motherhood in the New Deal and how it relates to current affairs. I didnt do the best job, but I did it. It felt good to follow through, but made me super self conscious. I guess just having done it is good enough.

Things have been good though. I am working for the census and am pretty excited about it. I am going to make a lot of money. Then I am going to buy a wheatgrass juicer.

If Simon gets me his number, I am actually going to call a boy that I don't know and invite him over to our house. This is huge for me, but it is more about reaching out than it is romance.

This past week has been a super intense rollercoaster ride. That said, I know why people like those damn things.
Klessa recorded 7 songs at Matt Gordon's parents house monday-thursday. I am super pumped about how they turned out (or are going to), though I was often far too moody for my own good. There were a couple times where I could not adequately do what I know I am capable of, so it blew any confidence I had out the window. Anyway, at the time it felt like everything I have been focusing on lately was useless, and it made trying to be assertive and confident that much harder.
We played a show last night with Matt Hall, Chris, and Meredith and it was fucking incredible. Seeing all of them play filled my heart up to the brim with happiness. Klessa played really well, probably the best we ever have in New Paltz. Several people came that I did not know. Afterwards some people stuck around and we played village. Overall, an excellent evening that forced me to be friendly and interact with new people. The point of all of this is that I felt really good being able to show people a good time in this town (which is absolute magic by the way) and I didn't feel like an awkward mess the entire time.

Today we did tons of yard work type things. We planned pathways for the garden and built a compost bin. It was frustrating for me because there were times where I was not able to do the things I wanted (ie: hammer nails effectively and efficiently) but I believe that I helped and it is better off because of my input.

I feel really good about things. It is officially spring and that is nothing but good. I am going to stay positive, smile at people because I mean it, and try to be as accomodating and helpful as I can whenever possible.

I am fucking pumped for gardening.

kate and i finally installed a toilet paper holder in our wall of the bathroom. no more placing toilet paper on the back of the seat or any of that garbage. it always feels really nice to do home improvement projects and to prove the capacity to do so (at least eventually..).

klessa recording starts tomorrow. we are going to matt gordon's house to do it and it will be nice to be away and have to space and time to concentrate on it. i have not been so excited about something in a long time. we have been a band for far too long to not have any real recordings. in a week, that will all be different.

i went to simon's permaculture class last night to hear ken greene talk about seed saving and the seed library. it made me feel super pumped about him and want to get to know him and the folks he is working with.
this leads to another topic.
wanting to connect with more people.
i finally figured out that it is not more friends i am looking for, but more connections with the people around me. i want to be able to learn things from others, have things to offer them in return, and really be part of a community. this obviously poses a problem because i struggle to make eye contact with people and stare at the ground when i walk around town, but i want to try harder. people around me are really good at this. i think it will just take a little concious effort. perhaps reaching out to ken will help me kick start this.

there are so many things i want to change about how i am. its hard to keep them all in check all the time and to follow through. being aware of the problems is not enough. actionactionaction.

ironically this is how i feel both about the world and myself, and i fall short in taking action on both.

on a totally different topic, dasha and claire danes were 80 miles away from me today and i did not see them. getting to nyc is way too GD expensive. i kind of hate myself for not going, even though i know it was the responsible thing to do.

Just when you feel good about things menstruation can come along and make you feel like bologna.

I bought a bike yesterday. It is beautiful. I want the road to be dry so I can ride it and get used to it.

Its been gloomy for days. It has made my head hurt and prevented me from being productive. I keep saying I will do things but I lack any motivation.

here's to tomorrow.

progress.

I am now aware of every disclaimer that comes out of my mouth, but sometimes I cannot control it. This is the first step though, so I feel a little okay about it.

Pat offered to let me use his loop pedal to try and write clarinet music. I am definitely going to take him up on this even though the idea makes me nervous. Besides the fact that I think it will be good for me, I would fucking love to hear someone write songs based almost entirely on clarinet. Maybe I will do this today.

I didn't do anything for international women's day. I still want to discuss food shortages/future food issues and how they affect women. I am going to look into it a lot more and hopefully figure out enough stuff to share with people.

I need to start working on my thesis again. I completely dropped the ball, but it has a lot of potential. It is so much harder for me to research information about the current situation than it is about the past. I don't know why this is, but I need to figure it out.

I feel pretty good lately. Our house is super clean, and it makes me actually want to do things in it. I made the record player in the living room work yesterday, which only means incredible things. I have not recieved my food stamp money yet, and I need to figure that shit out ASAP. Hopefully calling them does the trick.

its dreary out and I am totally siked about it.

Off to a good start...

This feels silly, but I am trying.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the gaps between my ideals and actions. I lack confidence and assertiveness in almost every aspect of my life. Although I am unsure (see?) if this is directly correlated to feminism, my fear that it is makes me know that I have to change. Regardless of my sex or gender, it is important to me to be a more confident person, so I am about to embark on such a journey.

I am going to try to do things to improve my confidence. I am completely willing to accept suggestions as to how to do this, but here is what I am thinking for now:

- I want to play music more confidently. If this means writing songs by myself so that I am forced to make decisions, then so be it. Really though, I think I just need to take a more active role in playing music with other people. Trying to sing has been helpful too. Baby steps, ya know?

- I have been thinking about activism a lot more lately also. Apparently it is women's history month, so I want to do something with that. (A presentation of sorts?) I want to talk to people about climate change and peak oil, but I don't want to only talk. I want to host discussions or come up with direct actions that can be done. If anyone is up for any of this, let me know. Two (or ten) heads are better than one!

- I absolutely need to stop qualifying things I say. I need to stop making excuses and embrace my thoughts and opinions and not hide behind things like "well, I don't know if this is true" or "This isn't necessarily the best idea but...". If you see or hear me say these types of things. Call me out, please.

Oh, and the US census hired me. So now I have a job and will actually make decent money. This may seem silly but I think it is really going to help me feel better about my life and responsibility for it.

Oliver used to accuse me of not knowing what I wanted out of life. I think he thought I was terrible at making any sort of decision and sticking with it. Maybe he is right to some extent, but I want to change that. I do know what I want from life, and I am trying to get it. This does not just mean having a farm and living sustainably, but being proud of myself for the person I am and the impact I have on others.

I wanted to make this blog so that I would focus on this whole confidence thing. I am going to try to keep track of what I am actually doing so that I have some place to answer to. Makes enough sense, right?