the past 3 days have been incredible.
i live in a goddamn beautiful place with wonderful people.
i want to share it with everyone.

I had a nightmare last night that I watched a good (dream) friend of mine get raped. I was in the bed next to her, holding her hand while it happened.
It ruined my whole day. My head. Everything.

Lots of garden things have been happening. It is exhilarating to watch things grow, to watch spring happen.

I have been peeing in a bucket of sawdust for almost a week now, and it feels absolutely wonderful.
Courage feels that way too.
Being slightly aggressive, or maybe just assertive does too.
And so does being there for people you don't really know when they might need it.

I just missed Kate fall off the swing. So.. no more swing for now.

These steps I am trying to take dont always feel good.
I have too much of that attitude lately but its hard to avoid.

Matt Gordon just made a swing for the tree out front and I am watching Kate swing on it.
That feels good.
And so does this weather.
And the Beatles.


I got paid today, so soon I will be sipping on the finest whiskey the Husdon Valley has to offer.
and
I am going to start applying for museum/historical society jobs. I feel really inspired.

The harder I try to be confident, the harder it is.
I gave a little lecture to friends of mine about motherhood in the New Deal and how it relates to current affairs. I didnt do the best job, but I did it. It felt good to follow through, but made me super self conscious. I guess just having done it is good enough.

Things have been good though. I am working for the census and am pretty excited about it. I am going to make a lot of money. Then I am going to buy a wheatgrass juicer.

If Simon gets me his number, I am actually going to call a boy that I don't know and invite him over to our house. This is huge for me, but it is more about reaching out than it is romance.

This past week has been a super intense rollercoaster ride. That said, I know why people like those damn things.
Klessa recorded 7 songs at Matt Gordon's parents house monday-thursday. I am super pumped about how they turned out (or are going to), though I was often far too moody for my own good. There were a couple times where I could not adequately do what I know I am capable of, so it blew any confidence I had out the window. Anyway, at the time it felt like everything I have been focusing on lately was useless, and it made trying to be assertive and confident that much harder.
We played a show last night with Matt Hall, Chris, and Meredith and it was fucking incredible. Seeing all of them play filled my heart up to the brim with happiness. Klessa played really well, probably the best we ever have in New Paltz. Several people came that I did not know. Afterwards some people stuck around and we played village. Overall, an excellent evening that forced me to be friendly and interact with new people. The point of all of this is that I felt really good being able to show people a good time in this town (which is absolute magic by the way) and I didn't feel like an awkward mess the entire time.

Today we did tons of yard work type things. We planned pathways for the garden and built a compost bin. It was frustrating for me because there were times where I was not able to do the things I wanted (ie: hammer nails effectively and efficiently) but I believe that I helped and it is better off because of my input.

I feel really good about things. It is officially spring and that is nothing but good. I am going to stay positive, smile at people because I mean it, and try to be as accomodating and helpful as I can whenever possible.

I am fucking pumped for gardening.

kate and i finally installed a toilet paper holder in our wall of the bathroom. no more placing toilet paper on the back of the seat or any of that garbage. it always feels really nice to do home improvement projects and to prove the capacity to do so (at least eventually..).

klessa recording starts tomorrow. we are going to matt gordon's house to do it and it will be nice to be away and have to space and time to concentrate on it. i have not been so excited about something in a long time. we have been a band for far too long to not have any real recordings. in a week, that will all be different.

i went to simon's permaculture class last night to hear ken greene talk about seed saving and the seed library. it made me feel super pumped about him and want to get to know him and the folks he is working with.
this leads to another topic.
wanting to connect with more people.
i finally figured out that it is not more friends i am looking for, but more connections with the people around me. i want to be able to learn things from others, have things to offer them in return, and really be part of a community. this obviously poses a problem because i struggle to make eye contact with people and stare at the ground when i walk around town, but i want to try harder. people around me are really good at this. i think it will just take a little concious effort. perhaps reaching out to ken will help me kick start this.

there are so many things i want to change about how i am. its hard to keep them all in check all the time and to follow through. being aware of the problems is not enough. actionactionaction.

ironically this is how i feel both about the world and myself, and i fall short in taking action on both.

on a totally different topic, dasha and claire danes were 80 miles away from me today and i did not see them. getting to nyc is way too GD expensive. i kind of hate myself for not going, even though i know it was the responsible thing to do.