notes to self:

1. always listen to your mother. she is usually right. never go to sleep mad/upset it only makes it worse in the morning.

2. try and get to work on time? what are you doing here?

3. kate is coming tomorrow and that will be wonderful.

4. no really, why arent you at work?

i feel very frustrated with looking for/the idea of apartments.
i have never lived alone and would be totally willing to try but i will simply never be able to afford it.
everything feels far more real than it ever has. why cant i just go back to paying $220 for rent and living with all of my best friends? ...i fucking blew it.
i am working more than i ever have in my whole life and i still cant afford to live the way i want. great.

stressin'.

in rochester and its not so bad yet.

I have been a little bit of a stressed out monster lately.
The past week or so has not been so bad but still, I worry.
I have started eating more, taking flax oil daily, and thinking more about nutrition. The only thing I need now is to actually get some exercise in order to work off some stress.
I constantly worry about what living in Rochester will be like and if I will manage to ruin things between Nick and I before I can get my shit together. I am scared.
I started keeping track of all of my feelings about moving. I want to make it into a zine when I finally discover how this whole thing ends up (ie: great or miserable).

The other day a bunch of us went to go look at land in Callicoon and it made me excited but terrified about where my life may one day end up. I want land and fresh air and wood stoves and people that I love around me all the time but it is sometimes hard to picture. To be honest, any kind of comfortable, normal, happy situation is a little hard to picture right now.

Lately I work myself up too easily. I need to cut it out.

If you have any extra positive energy--throw it my way, please?

i am moving to rochester. i will be living there in march.
this idea scares me beyond belief but it will be okay, right?
thinking about goodbyes makes me feel ill.
thinking about seeing my parents every day for awhile makes me feel good.
thinking about spending real time with nick feels unreasonably great.
i feel a little guilty about it even.
for the first time in my life i am going to attempt a real, normal relationship where i get to see the person on a [quite possibly] daily basis. i cant tell you what a weird feeling that is...
and yet i am still scared and unsure how i will be able to physically move my flesh/bones/blood away from new paltz. it may be humanly impossible. we'll see.

kate and i went running today. i want to keep doing that. it felt unbelievably good. i am super out of shape and dont want to feel bad about that anymore. i dont care about my weight but i do care about my heart.

nyc tomorrow. ucb. vegan food. bon. i think it will be good for me.
(note: yes. i think nyc will be good for me for once. am i ok?)

i really couldnt ask for things to be better.

only sometimes certain things are too hard and it makes me want to puke. (physically, not just hypothetically.)

ever feel like you just dont have control over your own life anymore? or maybe its just that i have so much control that i dont know what to do with it?

i never imagined that i would feel quite so terrible leaving my cat virtually alone for two weeks.

tour starts today (yesterday?)

klessa cds are in full swing, in peoples' hands, cd players, what have you, and hopefully no one is disappointed. its too late to do anything about it.

but this thing about toey. it kind of makes me want to cry. i love her too much.

1. stay true paltz was a week ago. it went insanely well. what more could a girl ask for?
2. crocheting myself a sweater with no pattern. stoked and scared.
3. nick will be here for a week soon. only stoked.
4. fall is happening soon. also stoked
5. reading so much lately rules.
6. soon to be a lot of star trek-tng movie/episode watching.
7. finishing the klessa album.
8. starting to plan a tour.

too many great things as of late.

I have been sneezing pretty much non stop for a month and am finally at my breaking point.
I dont know what to do though!
My whole face itches so bad and I have been waking myself up at night scratching my throat with "the noise". I have been doing it so much that my throat feels raw. great.
Also, I woke up with bags under my eyes this morning.

I am only working four days this week instead of seven and I am hoping that will help.

Stay True (trios!) Paltz is on Saturday and I am a worry-wart about it but I think it will be fun. Mostly, I am just excited to get to hang out with people I dont normally see. It may help me from losing my cool.
...we'll see.


Maybe I am allergic to myself? This could explain things?
If anyone has any ideas let me know. The important part of this whole thing is that I have had these sneeze allergies not only in new paltz, but ohio and rochester as well, so its hard for me to understand what the fuck is up.

i have been in rochester for roughly two weeks.
it is really strange but i am and have been quite comfortable here.
i am excited to get back to new paltz though. i am super pumped about working a ton, planning the rest of stay true paltz, and trying to do things that seem like they are worth the time it takes to do them.
mostly i miss all of the hugs.

i just finished reading the secret life of bees, which only took me two days, a wonderful porch, and the great lake ontario. i dont know if i should or not, but i absolutely loved that book.

i think about land too much, wanting to have it, and a house to call my own (not my own per say, but a permanent residence i can share with people i love!). this might make me some kind of schmuck, but this is the only thing in my life thus far that has motivated me to actually want to make real money. i dont know. its really a shame i am not qualified to do anything where i can earn a real income.

i am leaving soon. i should pack.

i am starting to believe i grind my teeth at night.
either that or i just keep them constantly clenched.
i have done this in the past when i have been really stressed out, but i dont feel like i am right now?
maybe a little, but nothing that warrants this type of unconscious behavior.

the last thing i did before i went to sleep last night, and the first thing i did this morning when i woke up (or rather, woke up to do it..) was clean up cat puke.
my brain hurts from the dream i had last night. i wish i could just sleep all day as a result, but i am almost too afraid to.

next week i am going on tour with dasha. i am super pumped about it and only slightly hesitant. someday, somewhere along the line i need a week long vacation of no fun and complete loneliness. it will be the only way to adjust to normal life. (still, constantly asking myself what normal means, since it clearly does not exist the way i would have previously described it)

still, i want my cottage. with a book, no internet, endless amounts of sleep, and 'tea time' every day.

i just woke up from a dream and now i feel so lost.

lists of late

-i have been feeling really sad for other people lately.
-i cant get enough of space (the final frontier kind).
-i am going to be spending a few days in rochester early next week and am excited about that.
-i want to watch every humphrey bogart movie in existence, but probably wont even get close.
-i often feel like i am living some kind of dream that i dont know how to interpret.
-i think about money too much.
-i dont want to be drinking as much.
-i want to be swimming more.
-i never want to set up another show, ever again (but i will)
-i want to own land, and a house, and as little stuff i dont need as possible.
-i really want to hug certain people.
-i need to write marena a letter.
-and i need to not be inside right now.

a haiku or two,three...

i dont know how to
handle this budding romance.
what am i doing?


(this may come off wrong
i mean it in a good way
i am just so scared)

((i dont remember
what its like to feel this way
you understand, right?))

---
i am being too dramatic.

i wish i could articulate the way those canadian folks make me feel.

I have made it almost a week with no emotional melt/breakdowns. This is a good thing.

I am going to Toronto for the weekend, to play with Jordaan and folks for the "Divorce Lawyers I Shaved My Head" album release. I am super excited about seeing all those kids as well as playing music with them and getting that feeling of excitement that it seems I rarely get these days.

I am going to spend the following week in Rochester. Hopefully I will watch copious amounts of Twin Peaks, give more hugs than I know how, and read.read.read.read.

Things are looking up!

struggling.

i want to write about how i realized that i am completely scared of being in a relationship with someone that i have to look at every day. no matter how i look at it, it constantly seems like i am better off without it. and perhaps this will always be some kind of curse for me, and is the reason why i am always developing crushes on people who i will never be in a relationship with because i simply cant for one reason or another. i write about these things too much, so i will stop there.


i officiallyofficiallyofficially do not work for the united states government anymore.
it feels good.

i am getting over some things.
that feels good too.

i applied for a job at the senate house and i really hope i get it.
i know its probably false hope, but i think i have an alright chance?
my eighth great grandfather built the dang place!

there are a lot of things coming up for me to be excited about. still, something feels like it is missing. i just dont know what it is. i hope i find it soon.

xo

this whole working on my confidence thing is funny because it is a total bust. (i'm a joke)
i am pretty convinced if i had any amount of it saying simple things would be significantly easier.
lets get real here.. I AM AWESOME. right? consequence-smonsequence. i need to get over myself.

lately i cant make it through a day without being tired or wanting to nap. not working for the government has been great but i am already reminded far too much of what unemployment is like and spend all day thinking of what i could/should be doing. (always cleaning, this cant stay this way.)

its hot out. i should try to go swimming today but i know i wont.
i went to the mountains alone last night and laid on the hood of my car telling myself that spilling my guts is easy. it was super clear and wonderful and i listened to the get up kids really loud during the drive. maybe i need to do that again tonight.

tomorrow we are planting everything that we have not planted yet. i am really excited about this. gardening is one of the things i feel best about lately. it seems this is all i ever say.

i cannot get myself to do certain things and it always ends up driving me crazy.
i dont understand the line between being selfish and doing what is healthy for yourself.
someone please explain this to me.