notes to self:

1. always listen to your mother. she is usually right. never go to sleep mad/upset it only makes it worse in the morning.

2. try and get to work on time? what are you doing here?

3. kate is coming tomorrow and that will be wonderful.

4. no really, why arent you at work?

i feel very frustrated with looking for/the idea of apartments.
i have never lived alone and would be totally willing to try but i will simply never be able to afford it.
everything feels far more real than it ever has. why cant i just go back to paying $220 for rent and living with all of my best friends? ...i fucking blew it.
i am working more than i ever have in my whole life and i still cant afford to live the way i want. great.

stressin'.

in rochester and its not so bad yet.

I have been a little bit of a stressed out monster lately.
The past week or so has not been so bad but still, I worry.
I have started eating more, taking flax oil daily, and thinking more about nutrition. The only thing I need now is to actually get some exercise in order to work off some stress.
I constantly worry about what living in Rochester will be like and if I will manage to ruin things between Nick and I before I can get my shit together. I am scared.
I started keeping track of all of my feelings about moving. I want to make it into a zine when I finally discover how this whole thing ends up (ie: great or miserable).

The other day a bunch of us went to go look at land in Callicoon and it made me excited but terrified about where my life may one day end up. I want land and fresh air and wood stoves and people that I love around me all the time but it is sometimes hard to picture. To be honest, any kind of comfortable, normal, happy situation is a little hard to picture right now.

Lately I work myself up too easily. I need to cut it out.

If you have any extra positive energy--throw it my way, please?

i am moving to rochester. i will be living there in march.
this idea scares me beyond belief but it will be okay, right?
thinking about goodbyes makes me feel ill.
thinking about seeing my parents every day for awhile makes me feel good.
thinking about spending real time with nick feels unreasonably great.
i feel a little guilty about it even.
for the first time in my life i am going to attempt a real, normal relationship where i get to see the person on a [quite possibly] daily basis. i cant tell you what a weird feeling that is...
and yet i am still scared and unsure how i will be able to physically move my flesh/bones/blood away from new paltz. it may be humanly impossible. we'll see.

kate and i went running today. i want to keep doing that. it felt unbelievably good. i am super out of shape and dont want to feel bad about that anymore. i dont care about my weight but i do care about my heart.

nyc tomorrow. ucb. vegan food. bon. i think it will be good for me.
(note: yes. i think nyc will be good for me for once. am i ok?)

i really couldnt ask for things to be better.

only sometimes certain things are too hard and it makes me want to puke. (physically, not just hypothetically.)

ever feel like you just dont have control over your own life anymore? or maybe its just that i have so much control that i dont know what to do with it?

i never imagined that i would feel quite so terrible leaving my cat virtually alone for two weeks.

tour starts today (yesterday?)

klessa cds are in full swing, in peoples' hands, cd players, what have you, and hopefully no one is disappointed. its too late to do anything about it.

but this thing about toey. it kind of makes me want to cry. i love her too much.